Moving for Tranquility

When my husband and I moved from our first home in historic Avondale to a "manufactured mansion in a subdivision" we thought it would be our forever home. It was, after all, inviting and there was plenty of room to grow. And grow we did. The past 3 years have been overwhelming, but it's all starting to come together.

I recently attended a meeting where a woman was sharing about her family's finances. They were owed a large amount of money for a business transaction. However, the payments stopped coming and the family was forced to make a decision - whether to proceed with legal action or to forgive the debt. Immediately, this resonated with me. Being a Libra, I'm all about fairness :) Surely if this money is owed to you, you should proceed with legal action!! But no, this woman continued to share that they had decided to forgive the debt instead and opt for serenity, and praying for the man who didn't (or wasn't able) to make the payments. She called it "filling up her spiritual bank rather her material bank."

She did what????? Don't you have bills to pay? Kids to feed and educate? How could you let somebody get awawy with that?

And then I thought more. Wow. I really like that. That's pretty amazing. I want that kind of spiritual peace where I know that God will take care of me if I do the right thing. That I don't have to be the judge of that business transaction. He will take care of it.

Where can I apply this in my life? Well, for starters I'm currently unemployed. I've NEVER been unemployed before. After I got over the "shame and humiliation" of being unemployed, I started enjoying it. Quite frankly, I LOVE it. I am soaking it in. I am reveling in every minute that I don't have to be on the phone, or conference call, or webinar, or prospecting, or marketing, or brainstorming events, or expense reporting - ha! Take that, Corporate America!

But pulling up your big girl panties means that you have to make some sacrifices. Its time to take a look at what you REALLY need. Cut the fat. So we are selling our house and moving to something that is more suited for our NEEDS (not wants).

There are times when I have had a full material bank but been spiritually bankrupt. I don't like that place. Now is the time for financial peace. I think this is what God wants for our family too. Chipping away at our pride and greed. Progress, not perfection.

Mountain of Righteousness

Righteous is defined by Merriam-Webster as "acting in accord with divine or moral law: free from guilt or sin." I am contemplating on this word today, as many of the books I'm reading are talking about righteousness. I used to equate righteousness with flippance, but now I'm understanding its softer meaning.

I'm pretty visual - so I picture a Mountain of Righteousnesss: that is God, morality, good, love, peace, serenity, etc. There is also a pathway to that mountain, where I am. Here's the thing: I have a choice. I can go anywhere. That's the gift of free will that God has bestowed upon me. I can actually run AWAY from the mountain if I want to. That's what I think I was doing all those years I was drinking too much, hiding, lying, deceiving, sneaking around, breaking my own rules, etc. Running away from the Mountain of Righteousness. It was too daunting. Too steep. Too extreme. Don't you know people have to train to climb that mountain? The air is too thin. People DIE on that mountain.

So yeah, I took the easy way out. A lot. But that mountain is still there. It didn't go away. It was ALWAYS there, waiting on me. Waiting on me to be ready to get closer. Investigate. To walk towards it, and eventually get to the summit.

Every morning I wake up and I have a choice to walk towards that Mountain of Rightousness or away from it. I believe that one morning I might even wake up ON the Mountain. Where God, serenity, love, morality, goodness, wisdom - all mesh together. What does that look like? It looks like greeting my kids with a smile and a hug, although its 5am. It looks like giving my loved one the benefit of the doubt and believing that they intend to do good. Its being accountable. Its even returning a phone call. Its doing something LOVING for someone and not thinking about yourself. Its taking some time out for prayer and meditation, gratitude, and reflection.

Some might call that Enlightenment or Nirvana. It doesn't matter to me. I want it. Now.

Honesty

HONEST is defined as "free from deceit and untruthfulness, sincere." Wow. Free from deceit? I can't remember a time when I wasn't trying to "pull one over" on somebody.

As a kid I would sneak Pop Tarts and Star Crunch cookies from the pantry before dinnertime and eat them in my room, hiding the evidence (plates, wrappers, etc). I wanted a cat so bad that I rode my bicycle 2 miles to the horse stable and "adopted" one without parental consent. Then came home and said "it just followed me here!" No, I didn't brush my teeth but I told you I did. No, the dog didn't poop but its hot outside and I want air conditioning. I convinced the dorky guy to sit next to me in class and give me the answers.

As an adult I would round up when reporting mileage to my company, forge a signature every so often, use my work cell for personal calls, give the sample of Viagra to a "friend" who wanted to use it recreationally, guzzle the remnants of dinner party wine, etc.

I am a LIAR, FAKE, SHAM. I even have a "phone voice." You know, when you're talking on the phone and it sounds so PROFESSIONAL that others are surprised and tease you.

Does any of this sound familiar to you?? Where do you struggle with honesty??

So how does one GET honest? You must fully let go of the ego and pride. Show your cards, let others in. Ask for help (I looked in the Bible about honesty and John 8:32 says "and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free"). I also read a neat article about motivation. "A person motivated by love rather than fear will not only obey the letter of the law, but will eagerly seek out new ways to carry out business with transparency and integrity." - The Real Press, "Christian Integrity"

Today I am motivated by LOVE to tell the TRUTH.

Upon awakening.....

One of the things I really appreciate about AA and "The Big Book" is that there are straight-forward suggestions on how to start and end your day. I'm the type of person who NEEDS structure and rules, but I do sometimes get resentful that a BOOK is telling me what to do :) But hey - the solutions outlined in AA have helped millions of people live sober lives over the past century. So what do I know?

IN THE MORNINGS: "Upon awakening, let us think about the next 24 hours. What are our plans for the day? God, please direct our thinking - especially divorced from self-pity, dishonest, or self-seeking motives." - Big Book of AA

My friend, Dave Tolbert, who is the brains behind New Life Counseling has a GREAT way for remembering how to keep us alcoholics away from that first drink. It is called...

The 5 P's:

1. Pray: even the smallest prayer (like "HELP me")
2. Pause: don't react immediately
3. Plan: keep a calendar or a to-do list so you can keep on track
4. Phone: pick up the phone and call someone - preferably someone else in recovery - before taking that first drink
5. Play: don't forget to have fun! We alcoholics like to be the center of attention - the life of the party! Just because we're free of mind-altering substances doesn't mean that we want to mope around all day in a pity party

Love the lyrics ~ Coldplay, "Fix You"

This song is amazing. Thank you, Coldplay!

Shit or get off the pot!

Welcome to my blog! This used to be a blog about expecting baby #1, my wishlist, accolades for friends - but with the popularity and ease of Pinterest (which, by the way, if you would like to follow me, click here!) that is no longer necessary or effective.

In January of 2011, I got (somewhat) honest with my husband and told him how much I was drinking...as if he didn't already KNOW...and that I thought I would need to get "outside help" from a therapist or the like. So I started to see Dr. Daniel Callahan. He specializes in an array of areas, but I needed his help with addiction/co-dependence/anxiety (just to name a few). Yes, folks, I am a triple winner! :) Anyway, he suggested that I try a few AA meetings. And wow - was that a whole new world! At first I felt like I didn't fit in with "those people." My erroneous assumption about alcoholics was that "they all" had to be at least middle aged, divorced, probably jobless, homeless, living under the bridge and drinking out of brown paper bags. BOY, WAS I WRONG! I didn't realize that there were AA meetings all over town, and at all hours of the day {to locate a meeting near YOU, visit your hometown's AA website and you can see a list}. Here in Jacksonville, the link is here.

It was easy to admit I had a drinking problem, and was even able to introduce myself as "I'm Kadie, and I'm an alcoholic" at the first meeting. But that was just the tip of the iceberg, as I am now learning. Admitting my alcoholism was NOT the same as accepting it. I thought AA would teach me how to control my drinking, maybe even help me stop for a WHILE but I never knew that sobriety meant to give up drugs and alcohol for GOOD, FOREVER. I just couldn't accept that. "After all," I thought, "its not like I've ever gotten in TROUBLE from drinking....never got a DUI, never been arrested, never lost a job, never been estranged from family members! SURELY I can drink again SOMEDAY."

Well, the answer is YES - I can drink again. But do I want to? Alcoholism is a progressive disease - terminal even - and if I don't stop soon I will start having those consequences. Has it been a perfect journey? HELL NO. I have slipped more times that I'd like to admit, and even did/said some things that I am still paying for. In fact, I just drank recently. But you know what? I got absolutely ZERO relief....So I'm at that jumping off point: you know, the one where you say to your self, "SELF, {PLEASE} SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT! This limbo of I can/I can't is ridiculously painful." And periods of being dry or on a 3-day bender are REALLY GETTING OLD.

So that is my very vague version of the past 2 years. How I've recently made more progress in the past month than ever. How I'm grateful that it has only taken me 26 months to get to here rather than the men/women I meet "in the rooms" who have wasted 20 years struggling, and have lost their marriage, job, house, custody of their kids, etc. I'm actually grateful that I'm one of the lucky ones who has found a solution in AA. I'm hopeful that I will find long-lasting sobriety, peace, and serenity. And soon.

If you suspect you or someone you love has a drinking/drug problem, visit Alcoholics Anonymous or read "The Big Book (AA's foundational text)" online.